This year didn’t go exactly to plan. The year flew by (as always), procrastinating, thinking I had plenty of time to do things later. Today happens to be the 31st of December 2013, the final day of an interesting year. As I’ve reflected over the year that’s passed, I feel a sense of dissatisfaction but on the positive end I feel a sense of clarity. For the past few years I’ve been living in a distorted world, shaped by the media and manufactured with alcoholic substances. I’ve become exactly the person I most hated and who I didn’t want to become. I’ve been a lone inhabitant living in oblivion. With hindsight at 20/20, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to finally wake up from my nightmare of a lifestyle.
I remember reflecting on life one night in year eleven. At the time it seemed that life kept getting better and every year always surpassed the former year. That positive gradient came to a holt in year twelve. I turned eighteen, I consumed more alcohol than I ever had and the music I listened to made me feel like I was the man. It was all down hill from there and I eventually hit rock bottom (literally). I thought this was the year to change all that but I was still mentally sitting on the fence and I’ve learnt that nothing will change unless I do. I turned twenty one this year and I still got embarrassingly blind drunk at my birthday celebration as if I just turned eighteen. I don’t feel much improved from my eighteen year old self and I’m sure I’m not the man that my family wanted me to be. I gave in to alcoholism, consumerism, egotism, I lost friends, I damaged my health, I had no direction and I could go on and on but I’m sure you don’t have all night to read this. To sum things up, the past few years were merely myself trying to act like a man instead of learning how to be one. I never had any problems with dressing up like a gentleman nor did I have problems talking up my qualities to other people, both females and males.
The clarity I have discovered this month has come late but maybe at a perfect time in my life (we’ll see). I want to enter 2014 with a refreshened and enlightened mindset. I will attempt to do the opposite of what I have been doing previosuly by focusing on my inner qualities before I focus on the superficial. What I’ve done is ancient history but I will have to hold myself accountable for the position that I currently find myself in. As cliche as it may sound, I still believe that everything does happen for a reason. First target on my list is ALCOHOL. Alcohol is a poison and to myself it was the root of many problems. I’ve reduced my alcohol consumption the past few weeks and already I can see improvements in myself and most importantly my parents have seen an improvement. The benefits of staying sober are extensive as it affects many, if not, all of the aspects in my life. Alcohol has caused a great deal of damage to the relationships in my life and I intend to clean up the mess. I will invest more time on my family and on my friends who matter. I’m going for the quality over quantity approach which is so common yet so easy to not abide by. I miss having real friends. My finances have been in a shambles for many years and it’s time I break my bad habits that cause this. I always said I was addicted to addictions, I need to change this. I will.
The dreams I had when I was younger have not been fulfilled yet and I’m the only one to blame. I’m so excited that everything is clearer to me and I hope I can finally put in the hard work and the effort that I need to make my dreams into a reality. No more fronting, I’m going to be a dancer, a businessman, a fashion blogger, a role model and whatever my heart desires! 2014 marks the beginning of my journey to discover a life of purpose and meaning. I want to surprise those that have experienced my dark side and I hope that they discover an unexpected gentleman…